True Anger vs. Abuse: The Shadow of Anger

A colleague and I had a heated exchange of words on Thursday in a conference room with two others. It was apparent from my red face, short expression of tears, our raised voices and intense eye contact with each other that anger was one of the emotions each of us was expressing towards the other.

Neither of us left in a huff or threatened the other. At one point, my anger turned to some short laughter at the situation. It felt good to express my anger the way I did. I left the meeting with some sense of having worked through something and a stronger connection to my colleague instead of hostility or resentment.

Today, while I continued to read, "How To Be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys To Mindful Loving" by David Richo, I came upon a section on distinguishing anger from abuse in the chapter, "Our Commitment and How It Deepens." As I recalled Thursday's argument and read the list of characteristics of true anger and the list of characteristics of abuse, I recognized more of the characteristics of Thursday's exchange in the column on true anger than in the other column.

As I reflect on some of my relationships (current and former), I can see where I have expressed abuse instead of real anger and where I have received from others abuse instead of real anger.

I am grateful for this list and reprint it below.

True anger: Authentic self-expression - the hero's way
Abuse: The Shadow of Anger: Theatrical display - the villain's way

True anger: Is always mindful
Abuse: Is ego-driven and caught in mindsets

True anger: Expresses a feeling
Abuse: Becomes a tantrum

True anger: May be expressed with a red face, excited gestures, and a raised voice
Abuse: May be expressed with a red face, menacing gestures, expletives, and a screaming voice

True anger: Is a form of assertiveness that shows respect
Abuse: Is aggressive, an attack

True anger: Shows tough love that enriches or repairs the relationship
Abuse: Explodes in rough and damaging mistreatment that endangers the relationship

True anger: Arises from displeasure at an injustice
Abuse: Focuses on the other person as bad

True anger: Informs the other, creates rapt attention, draws a mindful response
Abuse: Is meant to threaten the other and drives him or her away

True anger: Is meant to communicate, to report an impact
Abuse: Is meant to silence, to intimidate, put down, bully or dump

True anger: Desires a response from another but does not require one
Abuse: Insists the other acknowledge how right or justified one is

True anger: Asks for change but allows for other to change or not
Abuse: Masks or expresses a controlling demand that the other change

True anger: Asks for accountability and amends
Abuse: Blames the other and takes revenge

True anger: Is about this present issue and is expressed freshly from incident to incident
Abuse: Is often a build-up of past unresolved issues and displaced rage, gathering intensity from incident to incident

True anger: Has some perspective, can distinguish between minor and major issues
Abuse: Is trapped in the heat of the moment and explodes vehemently no matter how minor the issue

True anger: Relates to the feeling
Abuse: Is possessed by the feeling

True anger: Coexists with other feelings
Abuse: Occludes other feelings

True anger: Takes responsibility for one's own distress
Abuse: Diverts the blame for one's distress onto the other

True anger: Is nonviolent, in control, and always remains within safe limits
Abuse: Is violent, out of control, derisive, punitive, hostile, and retaliatory (loses temper)

True anger: Releases lively energy and leads to repose
Abuse: Derails lively energy and creates continuing stress

True anger: Is brief and lets go with a sense of closure (a flare)
Abuse: Is held on to as lingering resentment, hate, grudge, or bitterness (a smoldering fire)

True anger: Includes grief and acknowledges this
Abuse: Includes grief but masks it with feigned invulnerability or denial

True anger: Believes the other is a catalyst of anger
Abuse: Believes the other is a cause of anger

True anger: Treats the other as a peer
Abuse: Treats the other as a target

True anger: Originates in and fosters a healthy ego
Abuse: Originates in and perpetuates an arrogant ego

True anger: Aims at a deeper and more effective bond
Abuse: Wants to get the rage out no matter who gets hurt: an abuser moves against the other

True anger: Coexists with and empowers love: fearless
Abuse: Cancels love in favor of fear: fear-based

True anger: These are all forms of addressing, processing, and resolving
Abuse: These are all forms of avoiding one's own grief and distress