Loving ReLearned

"Joey was stung," came the text message with a picture of the children's cat.

"Poor baby," I texted back.  "What was he stung by and where?"

"Idk," came the reply from my young friend, just barely a teenager.  "We think it is a sting.  Oh this is Maya btw.  And could yu take him to the vet????"

"Idk, Maya," I text back.  "I would have to see him to know if I feel he should go to the vet."

Joey is the cat the kids have had for just under a year.  He was given to them by their aunt's boyfriend.  They aren't allowed to have pets.  Landlord says so.  They can't afford to take their pets to the vet. When Joey was first given to them, I offered to take him to my vet as long as I could involve the children.  So three of them came with me for Joey's first check-up and then his neutering. 

"How is he acting?" I ask in another text.   "Is he eating normally?  Walking normally?"

I am sensing the child's urgency and her desire to get help for the cat.  I recognize her resourcefulness in reaching out to me - someone who could potentially help.

"So when can yu come see him? To see if he needs to go.  Cause wat we see its pretty bad. :(," Maya's next text says.  "Hes laying down, breayhing fast, shaking, and his foot is beating like a heart ..:(.  And limping...!"

So now the judgmental thoughts come to me. The "I knew this would happen!" thoughts that separate me from my love for them. The anger thoughts over them letting the cat run wild instead of keeping him indoors like I do my cat.  The fear of the cat dying and the children's (and my own) sadness.

"That doesn't sound good," I text back.  "I can't take him to the vet today because it is closed and the emergency animal hospital costs a lot.  I can't afford that. Can you keep him inside the house?"

"yes!  Yur taking him tomorrow.?," she replies.

I so wanted to drop everything I was doing and drive over to their house, see the cat and try to get a vet appointment for him the next day if he looked as bad as it sounded.  And I knew if I took him to the vet and something was wrong, I would not be able to stop treatment.  I did not want to put myself in this position.

"I didn't say that," I text back. "It costs money for him to be seen by the vet and money for treatment.  Who is going to pay for that?"

In my mind I was lashing out at my young friend's relative for giving them the cat in the first place and their parents for allowing the children to keep the cat.  I wanted to explain to Maya why I keep my cat inside and how if she were my child that's what we would have done.  And if  the cat had been kept inside and accidentally let out, how I would take him to the vet if he were injured. And I don't want to come between the children and their parents.  I don't want to put Maya in the middle.

There's a pause in the texting.  I text again after 7 minutes.

"What do your Mom and Dad say about Joey's injury?"

"They were very consernd," Maya texts.

"Nm.."

"What do they suggest you do for Joey?" I ask.

"Nm.."

"What does Nm mean?"

"Nevermind."

Now is not the time, if ever, to explain to Maya why I said "No".  Now is not the time, if ever, to tell her what I was trying to teach her. Now is not the time, if ever, to try to hold her choices or the choices of her parents against her.  Now is not the time, if ever, to point our her or her family's part in the situation.

When I was thirteen, none of this would have made sense to me.  I would have just resented the person who said it.  I want to do it a different way.

Now is the time for me to learn how to respond to my friend with compassion despite my judgmental thoughts.

Three minutes have gone by since the last text.  I text again.

"Maya, I am very sorry that Joey is injured.  I want him to get better.  I appreciate that you want me to help.  I know you are concerned about him."

"Thanks," she texts back.

I am powerless over what is.  I feel sad.

Insecure thoughts race through my mind:

"She's going to think I don't care."

"She's going to stop liking me."

"I am loved for what I give, not who I am so if I stop giving, I won't be loved."

So I called a trusted advisor and asked for guidance. 

I want to align with acceptance and unconditional love and respect even when the ways of others differ from my own.  I want to be true to my values.  Not easy aspirations.

I would like to have fewer judgmental thoughts and if and until that happens, I would like to at least be honest about the judgments I do have so that I can work with them before I respond to others.

Today I  choose love and acceptance of others and self. For me, that's good progress on a road that doesn't lead to perfection.

5/17/12 Update

Eighteen year old, T, called me the next morning.  She is the cat's mom.  She wanted to know the phone number of the vet we all went to for Joey's first check-up.  I gave that number to her and found out she had already called a couple of vets and was checking on prices and payment options.  I told her that she was being a good mom.  She said she was comfortable calling people she didn't know because of the time I made her call to find out details about a park district program she wanted to sign up for.  I remember that conversation clearly.  She didn't want to do it.  She was afraid.  I told her that she could be afraid and still make the call.  She did and felt better about herself for having done so.  Today, to hear that situation come back to me from her in a positive reflection in a time of crisis, felt like a gift!  I, too, had struggled against taking the easy parth of just doing it for her versus firmly but lovingly guiding her to do it on her own!

Joey is OK. The vet says he got into a fight with another cat, got scratched and had an absess on his paw.  The vet removed it and T. has made payment arrangements.  I am glad.