The Diaper Change That Changed a Girl and Her Mommies

The most powerful way that I know how to teach my daughter respect is to be respectful.

So, for me and my daughter, a diaper change isn’t just about good hygiene; it’s a time to lay the foundation for teaching her about consensual touch and respect for her body. 

As an infant, she can’t give her consent to my cleaning her vulva and anus, so I narrate what I am doing before I do it. 

After gently placing her on the changing table, I smile at her and make up a song. If I need to calm her, I make a shushing sound with my mouth close to her ear, reminding her of the sounds that were part of her life in the womb. Or, I might spin the colorful mobile her mother made for her.  It hangs above the changing table and usually catches her eye.  I move slowly with the aim of a cry-free experience.

“OK, Az,” I say as I gently separate her legs. “I am going to wipe your vulva.” 

Then, only after I let her know what I am about to do, do I wipe her labia and the space between them. I narrate in a similar fashion when I clean her anus. 

Later, when she acquires language, I will wait for her verbal approval before I clean these same parts.  

Trusted babysitters are expected to change my daughter's diaper in the same manner.

My body and the bodies of many women I know and don’t know have been touched without consent by people we trusted. It would be easy to transfer my fears to my daughter.

I may not be able to prevent her from being sexually abused, but I can begin laying the foundation now—even before she has acquired language—for being vocal about what she wants and doesn’t want and what is OK and not OK as far as touch and her body are concerned.

I want my daughter to grow up to be kind to herself and others and to act from self-esteem and self-worth, and so I treat her body as worthy of my respect. As her parent, I see everything I do, even a mundane diaper change, as an opportunity to support her.