Building the Foundation

“Self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. Without it, our other efforts to love fail.”

This is the theme of chapter four, “Commitment: Let Love Be Love In Me,” in bell hooks’ book All About Love: New Visions.

The loving alliance between me and myself is still fragile and temperamental.

I started purposefully building this alliance nearly three years ago. How do I become self-loving? How do I regard myself? These questions help me keep my eyes on the prize. The prize is so big that I want to share it with others and the magnanimous actions that flow effortlessly from me to others in those moments and even days of self-loving tell me that the commitment is worth the effort. I am learning the ways and bells’ book is another helpful tool.

“We all need to rid ourselves of misguided notions about self-love,” bell writes. “We need to stop fearfully equating it with self-centeredness and selfishness.”

Yes! Fear of being these things has and still can pull me off course in my journey of self- love.

In paraphrasing Gloria Steinem’s warning from her best-selling book, Revolution From Within, about the dangers of achieving success without doing the necessary groundwork for self-love and self-esteem, bell writes, “Achieving women who still suffered internalized self-hatred invariably acted out in ways that undermined their success. And if the self-hating successful person did not act out she may have lived a life of private desperation, unable to tell anyone success does not, in fact, reverse crippled self-esteem.”

I raise my hand. My success in school, at work and in community organizing resulted in self-confidence but not in self-love or self-esteem. Even being truly blessed to have always held jobs I love in a career I love did not bring me self-love and self-esteem.

A present for my 39th birthday from my then-partner became a catalyst for opening a door I did not wish to enter. She had gotten my friends, co-workers and fellow activists to send her notes about me telling me what they admired, respected and loved in me. My partner printed them out on different pieces of colored paper and cut them into various shapes and put them in a hollowed-out hand-painted gourd. I remember reaching into the gourd for these little notes of love and high regard. The notes were “nice,” but they did not penetrate the armor of self-hate that told me I was unlovable and if I really showed them who I am, they would eventually go away.

Having a partner for 7-1/2 years and another one for 2 years and another one for 3 years did not bring me self-love or self-esteem during those relationships.

“It is silly, isn’t it,” writes bell, “that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself. Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself.”

Please wake up, Kim, I whisper to myself.

Here are some suggestions bell offers on the path towards self-love and my reflections.

“Stop listening to negative voices within and outside the self that reject and devalue who you are.” I shall try.

Speak daily affirmations out loud to yourself while looking in the mirror. bell says this one: “I am breaking with old patterns and moving forward with my life.” I shall say that one tomorrow morning.

Self-assertiveness. “The willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters.” I’ve had a chance to practice that one today and it has been difficult and I am uncertain of the outcome.

Creating domestic bliss. “When we intentionally strive to make our homes places where we are ready to give and receive love, every object we place there enhances our well-being.”

This one I have been working on even before reading bell’s book. I became aware a few weeks ago that I prefer to go to my friends’ and neighbor’s homes instead of having them come to mine. It has nothing to do with the house I live in. It is a very cozy and comfortable structure with a unique design. And it’s true that some of my friends are allergic to cats and many friends have children and it is easier for me to go to their homes. But there was something else going on.

Two weeks ago a shift occurred.

I woke up on a Saturday morning and I was inspired to clean my self-cleaning oven. I did this joyfully for three hours. Each scrubbing stroke was like a meditation. I was totally present in the manual task and I thoroughly enjoyed the visible progress I was making.

Shortly after the cleaning, I had the thought to invite friends over the following week for dinner. So I got out the recipes I had discovered in a magazine in the jurors' room at the courthouse, picked one, and emailed four friends an invitation for dinner at my house.

Later that same day while shopping for new fitted sweaters, tighter jeans, a bra that actually fits and dress pants that conform to my curves (another act of self-love), I happened upon some hand-painted maroon red dinner plates and matching multi-colored bowls. I bought them. The dishes replaced perfectly good used dishes I had bought at Goodwill during a painful break-up with my ex. I almost waited until my dinner party to use my new dishes but in an act of self-love, I started using them the next day and they are now my everyday dishes that I also proudly use with friends. I added a red cloth tablecloth, red cloth napkins, a new rug for the living room and two new end tables to my purchases. My house feels more like a home now. I appreciate it more. I feel like I am surrounded by my own love.

And speaking of love, bell writes about a definition of love from M. Scott Peck that I had not considered.

“Love is an action we take on behalf of our own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Yes. Love is not a feeling. It is an action. How big can my human heart get?