Mature Love: Shall We Dance?

“We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet. What does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things and the mundane things. All of it. All the time. Everyday. You’re saying, your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. You’re life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”

So speaks Susan Sarandon as wife, Beverly, in the American version of the Japanese film Shall We Dance? This is her response to the question, "Why do people get married?"

She’s speaking to the private investigator she’s hired to watch her husband, John, played by Richard Gere, after suspecting that he is having an affair. He’s not. He’s taking ballroom dance lessons one night a week after work. He doesn’t tell Beverly this. He’s inspired to take dancing lessons after spotting the beautiful yet forlorn Paulina, played by Jennifer Lopez, in the window of a dance studio during his train ride home.

After realizing her husband of 19 years is not cheating on her, Beverly tells the detective to stop spying on him because to continue would be “an invasion of his privacy.”

There‘s lots of chemistry between John and the much younger Paulina. And Beverly, though relieved that John is not having an affair, is initially upset that John does not tell her about this new part of his life.

There’s a blow-up scene between Beverly and John after Beverly and their daughter attend John’s dance competition unbeknownst to John. During one of the dances he hears his daughter’s voice cheering him on. When he notices his wife and daughter in the crowd he loses his concentration and he and his dance partner fall.

His wife and daughter flee the competition and John runs after them. Beverly asks John why he didn’t share this part of his life and he answers, “I was ashamed of wanting to be happier when we have so much."

It's obvious John and Beverly love each other. They've become very familiar with each other and comfortable in their marriage. Both are busy in their careers and don’t spend much time doing things together. They probably haven’t had a date together in years. They tend to take each other for granted. It’s the daughter, and not Beverly, who notices that her Dad seems happier.

Ballroom dance lessons are making him happy. He’s tapping his foot at work, dancing with an imaginary partner on the subway platform and standing up straighter. At first we think that it is John’s excitement with Paulina.

There’s a scene of tender temptation between John and Paulina after one of their lessons. He invites her to dinner. Paulina realizes that a line is about to be crossed and she tells him, “I don’t socialize with students.” She tells him not to come to lessons if he thinks anything can happen between them. Although his attraction for her makes it difficult for him to be around her, he discovers that he has fallen in love with dancing and so he returns to pursue dance lessons.

I don’t know if I fully accept John’s reason for keeping his dancing lessons a secret from Beverly. He may feel guilty that his original motive for starting dance lessons was to be around Paulina.

John quits dance lessons after his wife and daughter discover him at the dance contest. Paulina writes John a letter telling him how his newfound passion for dance has inspired her. She had been heartbroken after a difficult end to a relationship with her former dance partner/lover the year before. That’s why she has been looking so forlorn in the window of her dance studio. John’s true love of dancing and the integrity he shows in his relationship with Paulina after she confronts him, creates a new life in her that nurtures her spirit. She’s headed to England to take dance lessons and compete. In the letter, she invites John to come to her going-away party with the rest of her students and asks for one last dance. John shows the letter to Beverly.

Cut to the morning of the going away party for Paulina. As usual, Beverly has already left for work. John wakes up to find she has laid out his tuxedo and has bought him new dance shoes. In a note, she tells him to go to the party and have one last dance. What does John do? He skips the party and instead shows up at Beverly’s job in his tux and dancing shoes and one red rose and asks her to dance with him. “I don’t know how to dance,” she replies. “You’ve been dancing with me for 19 years,” he answers back.

This is mature love. Mature love is giving. People with mature love know what and whom they love and they nurture that love by choice. Mature love receives love from the beloved. There’s a willingness by both to be together and this willingness and the actions that flow from it nurture each partner’s spiritual growth. It was a beautiful scene in the movie.

I know that this type of mutual giving and receiving are real. I’ve seen this love in the couples I admire and respect. I know that this is the type of romantic love that I am capable of. The type that nurtures the spirit. I don’t know when or with whom, but I know that God is preparing me for this time of giving and receiving.

And I am grateful to be able to see and identify this type of romantic love in others. This seeing nurtures my spirit.