Joining the Circle

I looked around the circle of us gathered in a mutual friend’s living room and counted twelve faces. We sat on a couple of couches and some chairs and for the past ninety-minutes we had taken turns sharing our joys and our sorrows.

Each told her story uninterrupted while the others listened or added a witty remark, some laughter or a comforting “I’ve been there.”

Most of us had come from dinner at a local restaurant. Others skipped dinner and headed straight for the after-dinner conversation. We’re all part of a weekly lesbians over 30 dinner and social support network that’s been meeting for years. I started coming to dinner two summers ago and am just now beginning to attend the more intimate conversations after dinner at the homes of these friends. One day I will host the after-dinner conversation.

As I sat there last night and listened, a sense of gratitude overcame me. I felt loved in that special communal way. This love creates a sense of belonging, understanding and shared experience. And I also knew that everyone else in the circle was loved in that same way. And I loved each one in the circle.

I recognized my place in the circle and I was grateful to contribute to it and to have allowed myself to be part of it.

Reaching out is a difficulty I have learned to overcome in recent years. My own happiness depended on it and I consciously made the decision three years ago that I wanted to be happy instead of lonely. I could no longer survive on my work and social activism accomplishments and competencies. I needed to develop new competencies, especially the ability to join with others. I needed to allow myself to be nurtured from the inside out and to allow myself to be vulnerable. It’s a matter of trust and overcoming isolation. I am still learning. I still sometimes hold people at arm’s length. Patience with myself and my own growth rate are helpful.

For me, isolation has always led to either a feeling of superiority or inferiority but never a sense of being equal to. I don’t want to feel separate like that from others anymore.

The group has gotten even closer now that one of us has been diagnosed with cancer. We’ve all pitched in. This single woman in her mid-50s is living at the home of a couple from our social group. Each of us from the group is taking turns getting our friend to her radiation and chemo appointments. Even women who don’t know her directly but know of her are pitching in. Our friend is never alone and she used to be a loner. She’s changed. She’s surrendered to her current condition and has learned to ask for help. I keep her visiting schedule making sure someone is with her from 2:30pm until 8:30pm every day. That’s the way she wants it. By being open to our desire to be helpful and creating that path by saying “yes,” we’re all learning more than we thought we knew about how much we really can rely on each other.

The after-dinner conversation slowly breaks up as people start to leave. As each woman gets up and puts on her coat, the others rise from their seats and give her a round of hugs. This is one of the best parts for me – both giving and receiving hugs.

This afternoon I received an email from another friend from a totally different circle asking six of us for help. She would like visitors this weekend after her major dental surgery tomorrow. She doesn’t want to be alone. I am glad to be asked. Glad that I am one of the people she is reaching out to, and not the only one.

No one person can meet my needs. I cannot meet all of the needs of any one person. For me, knowing this and acting from this knowledge has been liberating and humbling.

I am grateful.