Opening My Hands

I caught myself pulling again instead of opening my hands.

Many examples have surfaced for me in the past three to four weeks.

I’ve learned to get better at recognizing when I am pulling. To see what I am doing rather than to deny it. That’s an improvement. There’s a space now. Before there would have just been an angry reaction against myself or others, mostly against myself.

My drive and determination to be perfect instead of allowing myself to be human surfaced today. I lost two 30-minute radio interviews I had engineered and conducted on Monday. I just learned of this after trying to import the audio cuts from the computer storage system into the editing software. Instead of sound, there was silence. I know what I did. I pushed the wrong button on the sound board. I heard the audio in my headphones during the interview but it was not recording into the computer. I was monitoring the wrong set of meters. I’ve used the system many times before and had not made such a mistake.

The interview was great, too. It was with two teenaged granddaughters and their grandparents. We worked together in a Mayan village in Mexico this past Christmas as part of Intercambio Cultural De Maya, and I wanted to capture our experiences and preserve them. I thought the girls would relish hearing their grandparents' voices years later when they are no longer alive and perhaps share them with their own kids if they have any someday.

It’s not going to happen unless we go back into the studio.

The “old Kim” would have beaten herself up for making this mistake, I am a professional after all. It’s a loss, yes, and there’s sadness and there's nothing I can do about it now.

All war comes from fighting against what is. From not accepting what is. I wish to lay down my arms, open my hands and be at peace in this situation and so many others. Let it begin with me.